I dreamed I was a Butterfly - The paradox of life

Once I, Chuang Tzu, dreamed that I was a butterfly and was happy as a butterfly. I was conscious that I was quite pleased with myself, but I did not know that I was Tzu. Suddenly I awoke, and there I was, visibly Tzu. I do not know whether it was Tzu dreaming that he was a butterfly or the butterfly dreaming that it was Tzu. Between Tzu and the butterfly there must be some distinction [But one may be the other.] This is called the transformation of things.

For me to look at the meaning of anything, I must look at the full cycle of a thing, the process and unfolding, of what was hidden in embryonic form in the seed of the initial concept, or idea. The I that I became aware of was but the initial concept of the I that I could become. What indeed does the caterpillar know about it will become, but for the fierce hunger that it must appease. (But then again what do we know of what dreams a caterpillar dream?) Does the hunger of the caterpillar give it's life meaning? Perhaps to the caterpillar it does, for while we feel the hunger we cannot rest, and must search. I had to find the meaning for my deep hunger, my yearning, for it in itself contained the direction of my path through life

Then one day the caterpillar's hunger cease, and a new hunger fills its purpose, to find a sanctuary where it can await the death of its transformation. But what does it know of the awaiting transformation? Does it merely become aware of the need to lay down its quest in quiet submission to its fate, to its death? Does its life cease to have meaning?

In 1944 Jung broke his foot, which was followed by by a heart attack, while he hung on the edge of death, he experienced deliriums and visions, from which it was very hard for him to return. It was as if the caterpillar was given a premature vision of our hunger.

“In reality, a good three weeks were to pass before I could truly make up my mind to live again. I could not eat because all food repelled me. The view of city and mountains from my sick-bed seemed to me like a painted curtain with black holes in it, or a tattered sheet of newspaper full of photographs that meant nothing. Disappointed, I thought, “ Now I must return to the 'box system' again.” For it seemed to me as if behind the horizon of cosmos a three-dimensional world had been artificially built up, in which each person sat by himself in a little box. And now U should have to convince myself all over again that this was important! Life and the whole world struck me as a prison, and it bothered me beyond measure that I should again be finding all that quite in order ...”

Although the circumstances of my premature dream of my future self was very different to those of Jung, the effect was the same. To return to the harsh and cruel reality of the present seemed to me unbearable. I felt no more desire for anything on this world. There was absolutely nothing I felt I wanted to aspire to, for it all now seemed so meaningless, and nothing mattered anymore, and I felt nothing. My present ego had loss all meaning. The butterfly found itself in the body of the caterpillar, and had no desire for the things that would feed its body. It had the hunger of the butterfly. I longed for oblivion, to still my unattainable hunger. I felt as if nothing in my present could possibly appease the premature hunger.

Yet, I knew that if I did not feed my present form, I would die. I also knew that if I died in my present form, my longed for future self would be still-born, and the hunger never appeased. I would be like a Banshee wailing at the crossroads of the twilight zone. “Why!”

'Be still my child,” said the million-year-old man, “within meaninglessness lies the seed of meaning. Accept yourself as you are, now.”

“ It was only after the illness that I understood how important it is to affirm one's own destiny. In this way we forge an ego that does not break down when incomprehensible things happen; an ego that endures, that endures the truth, and that is capable of coping with the world and with fate. Then, to experience defeat is also to experience victory. Nothing is disturbed – neither inwardly nor outwardly, for one's own continuity has withstood the current of life and of time.

I have also realized that one must accept the thoughts that go on within oneself of their own accord as part of one's reality. The categories of true and false are, of course, always present; but because they are not binding they take second place. The presence of thoughts is more important than our subjective judgment of them. But neither must these judgments be suppressed, for they also are existent thoughts which are part of our wholeness.” Jung

Before you can forge the diamond body, you must forge the diamond ego.

Before I can forge a diamond ego, I must accept myself just as I am right now.

The paradox of life is that before I can make or bring any changes, I must accept everything just as it is right now. Everything is meant to be exactly as it is right now.

tags: alteredstates  dreams  diamond  paradox  meaning  change  body