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Trust
"Don't promise me forever. Promise me now, because that is all either of us can do. And now, becomes tomorrow, and tomorrow becomes years, You won't have broken your promise. Promise me for now, I hope with all my heart that now will last forever." Kayla Sullivan
Once a man was "unfaithful" to me. He was honest enough to tell me, which I respected. At that moment he felt he was acting irrationally, in need of the warmth and comfort of a woman. Intellectually I understood the why, but emotionally I felt deeply hurt. Could I trust him again? I thought I could, certainly with other women. But later I realised that from that moment on I did not trust him with my emotions anymore.
Upon discovering this I felt a need to really look at trust and what it means to me. Logically why should we feel so deceived and hurt when our partner is "unfaithful"? Is it just traditional conditioning? Would unconditional love not imply that that you love the other no matter what. There are obviously real concerns about your partner having sexual intercourse with another, such as unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. So my first question to him was: "Did you use a condom? " But apart from that why should I felt so hurt? We are adults, we know that none of us are perfect as yet, and sometimes we all act irrationally? Do things we regret later. But so we learn by our mistakes.
If you were immortal could you promise to another person that you would never want to be with another? The myths abound with tales of the gods' indiscretions. Although we may all give lip service to forgiveness, how many can truly forgive? That is to trust as though our trust were never broken?
Just what is trust? Trust - Firm belief in reliability, honesty, veracity, justice, and strength of person or thing. Firm belief in reliability - what is it to be reliable? Of sound and consistent character or quality. That would imply that you trust that the person in question will never change. His or her perceptions will never change. How can you be consistent when you are always growing and changing? Life is change. Death is certainty; life is insecure. Yet, we long to trust. Life is change, yet each time we experience change we consciously or subconsciously experience the feeling of trust broken.
Whimsical trust is what our lives are based on. Without it the world would be in chaos. We organise ourselves because we believe there will be a tomorrow, otherwise we might as well just enjoy the moment.
"Sarte said that every promise is going to be false. You cannot promise because you are not whole. Just a part of you promises, and when the part is no more there on the throne and another part has taken over, what are you going to do? Who will fulfil the promise? Hypocrisy is born because when you go on trying to fulfil, pretending that you are fulfilling, then everything becomes false…" Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
There are some that say that you can only trust yourself, but can you? Who has not disappointed themselves? Trust is based on expectation. We expect a certain person to act so and so. We expect… and when our expectations are not met we feel that our trust is broken. Yet we are almost guaranteed not to have our expectations met. If the world were exactly as we expected it to be, what would we learn? Would a world that is exactly as you expect it to be not be boring? So what can I actually trust in?
For me trust is a deep feeling of inner security. Through my experiences in the world I have learnt to trust that no matter what curved balls I am thrown, I will progress. I will find the inner strength to meet the challenges that I am faced with. I can't live my life in fear that something bad might happen, then I would cut myself off from enjoying life to the fullest. In love it is the same, I will give my love fearlessly. If pain happens through my loving then I will deal with it when it comes. I will not cut myself off from love in fear of some future possible hurt.
I had to go to a remote farm once as part of a job I was doing. It was sunset by the time I was making my return journey. Before me and behind me I could just see thick thorn bush veldt. No sign of any civilisation as far as I could see. Just as it was getting dark the vehicle I was travelling in, broke down. I sat there thinking" what am I going to do? "There was no way I could fix it and I had no form communication either. I could hail down some passing traffic but that on that particular road, for a woman alone, it would be dangerous. I recalled all the horrendous stories I have heard and I became very afraid. Perhaps some of the other crew will come looking for me, but after a couple of hours of waiting I knew that was not going to happen. They would only look for me in the morning. As I was contemplating my options I saw a truck go by and then stop and reverse back towards me. Two big rough looking guys got out of truck and I thought to myself:" That's it my time has come. " All I could possibly hope of doing was just to run, but it was too late all ready for that and I grabbed something I thought I could use as a weapon. '"I will not go down without a fight." I suddenly felt what one could call a "deathly calmness". They asked whether I needed help and tried to fix the vehicle, then offered to tow me all the way back to the Hotel. I got into the truck with them and I felt tinges of fear pop up, but my fear was totally unfounded. These two men did tow my vehicle all the way back and would accept no reimbursement for their trouble and fuel. That day my trust was greatly restored in humanity.
trust is something that is earned , it is easy to trust some people and
hard to trust others .
for me availibility is a good way to insure trust
.
I know if someone wants to cheat they can cheat if they never left the
house . but we are talking trust here . like my father said all the time ,
part of doing the right thing is not putting yourself in the position to
stray . And I do know myself I dont cheat when im in relationship because i
dont go to clubs and hate the bar scene.
I dont think i ask too much in
seeking a dependable women .
trust is something that is earned , it is easy to trust some people and
hard to trust others .
for me availibility is a good way to insure trust
.
I know if someone wants to cheat they can cheat if they never left the
house . but we are talking trust here . like my father said all the time ,
part of doing the right thing is not putting yourself in the position to
stray . And I do know myself I dont cheat when im in relationship because i
dont go to clubs and hate the bar scene.
I dont think i ask too much in
seeking a dependable women .
Visit me @ http://isloveoutthere.blog-city.com
I agree that with some people you just know instantly that you can trust.
But as they say the road to true love was never easy. You can't hide from
temptation; it will find you when you least expect it. You have to ask
yourself long before a temptation presents itself what is most important to
you. You have to know your own weaknesses.
Yes, I think we all would
want a dependable partner, whatever we perceive dependability to be. But
then we are all just human.
Thanks for commenting, I enjoyed reading
what you wrote on your site
Evolutionary Psychologists tell us that we are hardwired by nature to be
unfaithful. This implies that we can't help it to a certain extent. Still
I'm not convinced they are correct.
Dave [dave3477@aol.com]
Hi Dave
I agree; more than anything we are hardwired to survive and not
just to survive but to truimph over our inherent weaknesses. Often in that
very weakness we find a new strength and so add to our ascending evolution.
Just as I do not believe we have to be at the mercy of our "fate", so do I
believe with our inherent weakness.
"Self-evolution converts fate into
freedom..."
Dave & Sophia
Here are some links to the articles and studies to which you refer. But the broader studies have implications I do not think most men who are possessive want to hear.
Study sharpens debate on men, sex
and gender roles
http://www.umix.net/uforum/?f=16&m=2498
The following are studies and references to analysis' of the Evolutionary Psychology and Biology of sexuality and love. They are not just about humans but they are all informative.
I hope they are helpful and germane.
http://www.umkc.e du/sites/hsw/other/evolution.html
http://www.enotalone.com/Infidelity-31. html
http://www.marriageproject.org/fs0008.html
http://search.msn.com/r esults.aspx?q=Is+infidelity+natural+for+men%3f&first=11&count=10&FORM=PORE< P>http://www.economist.com/science/displayStory.cfm?story_id=3219879
http ://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s1204826.htm
http://www.umix.net/u forum/?f=16&m=2498
http://www.enotalone.com/article/2501.html
http://ww w.biorationalinstitute.com/shownews.php?category=love
Reviax
Mortalez
Trust can be given and withheld. It comes from the confidence of knowing a person and trusting them to be true first to themselves and then to others for if a person is untrue to themselves they can never be true to others.
It is not quite true to say that trust must be earned. It is true to suggest that it must be continuously renewed or it withers. Trust is given not expected; to withhold it through irrational suspicion (jealousy and possessiveness) can be even more destructive to the building and sustenance of trust than to overtly take advantage of it. Trust is mutual and the result of two or more parties sharing a common belief.
What is trust?
It is a form of faith.
Can it be false?
That truly depends on the will; the will to uphold the ‘promise.’
No one is the 'property' of another; all we have is what we give. What we give is the promise of commitment to share our burdens as we share our joy.
What violates the trust is when we are confronted with deception, deception no matter how seemingly innocent or self serving. Deception is intentional even as a consequence of self delusion.
Once our trust is abused 'earning' it back is an even greater hurdle than 'building' it the first time.
The problem is that trust is what makes love a ’vulnerability,’ yet without it love withers. Trust is the glue of human bonding.
Immortal relationships could never depend on the ownership of the ‘other’ but instead a shared mutual commitment to common truth, a shared respect that says to another; "be with me out of mutual desire never just obligation."
For relationships to function for prolonged, not just eternal periods, would require a continuous renewal, a commitment beyond mere obligation to being both who you are and the mirror of another. Almost a shared image that makes one live with a kind of double image. The image of guiding another to be the best they can be through your eyes while upholding such virtue in yourself as exemplary, all without become sanctimonious and self-righteous.
We must struggle to be better and help others along this path or the alternative is not mere decadence, but true corruption. There is no middle path on this issue, only healthy and pathological directions. Occasionally however rest is necessary too from this struggle for survival but if we rest too long and we will all "rest in peace."
Reviax
Reviax
Thank you so much for the links. I have a free weekend coming up
and intend to study them, then I'll comment.
I agree with what you had
to say about trust, especially regarding Immortal relations. Indeed in any
relationship with longevity the one should be a mirror of the other. I will
address this in my next post.
I much appreciate your input.
